Ramble on..

There is something to be said about severe disappointment. The kind that happens multiple times for the same reason. The kind that the same person or situation can inflict. The kind you don't even realize till it's too late. This disappointment is real. Fresh. Raw. Open. Reoccurring. For me I know when this will happen. I know there is only one thing that creates this severe disappointment but yet I still, over and over, put myself in its way. Just waiting. It has almost become like an old friend. Good ol' Agony and myself get along quite well (haha). In reality I am just being selfish. I want to put myself in these situations for one purpose only. Even knowing the end result is not what I want, thus creating this epic level of disappointment. Nobody knows though right? You never know when this result might change. Then, if it means enough to you, wouldn't you keep doing it too? Putting yourself in harms way to maybe someday achieve what your really after? I have always told myself that failure is not the end. And whatever I fail in will only assist me in achieving something else... Now after re-reading everything I just wrote I realize I sound frustrated, depressed and narcissistic. I am doing a very bad job of de-selfing and seeing the bigger picture. If what I am after is God's will, I can never truly fail. So obviously this is not of God but of myself. My selfish nature coming out in full force once again. What a truly severe disappointment.