Inexplicable Nature provokes Humility

The air tastes crisp and salty, the water feels frigid, and the sound of the waves crashing fills your ears. Every sense in your body is being used. You feel amazing, alive, rejuvenated, and full of adrenaline and a healthy dose of fear. You are in the ocean, surfing, playing, and swimming. There are so many sounds, textures and feelings that go along with being surrounded by nature. Having knowledge that the natural elements of this world are infinitely more powerful than yourself is humbling and fascinating. Nothing computerized or plugged into a wall can compare. One day recently my best friend and I were heading home after surfing. We had just spent hours riding waves and in turn, being tossed around by the ocean. Our toes and ears were full of sand; our noses were full of salt water. We also had the biggest smiles on our faces. Something about being surrounded by that body of water, which is so powerful, so peaceful and steady, is amazing. You cannot come back from something like that with a negative thought on your mind. It inadvertently changes your mood, whether you like it or not. It calms you when you are mad, gives joy in hard times, and creates a beautiful, healthy emotional outlet for stress or anger. We were contemplating these things on our drive home and realized that experiences like ours, of being surrounded by nature, are what make us who we are. Almost every positive aspect of our lives we could trace back to some experience we had outdoors. The only reason we aren’t suffering from any self esteem issues, addictions, depression, overwhelming stress, loneliness and any other emotional or mental illness that our colleagues around us are suffering from is because we have a healthy recreational outlet in nature; which forces us to realize there is something bigger than ourselves. It helps anyone see a small glimpse of the bigger picture. Our own lives are not the center of anything and our own problems definitely don’t seem like they are the end of the world when you are outside playing in it.

Me without you

‎Oh, what am I to think
Of what the writing
Of a thousand lifetimes could not explain
If all the forest trees were pens
And all the oceans, ink?
...Oh, great is the love of God.

I should be doing homework instead...

As is the case with most things for me I have a seriously hard time working inside when there is beautiful weather and fun waves calling my name. I love to procrastinate, and one of the many avenues of doing so for me is this: my blog; which I am sure nobody actually reads. So this has become more of a place to bounce around my random, excess thoughts and let out the ones I deem reasonable enough for the unsuspecting person to somehow cross by someday. Thus obviously it must be a beautiful day outside and I am forcing myself to sit in this chair and read some nonsense about our government or about the decline of leisure (which ,for the record, is actually pretty interesting), but in actuality I am writing here, pretending to be busy but simply finding ways to sit here and not actually do anything constructive. This is simply my nature. I have all weekend to get this stuff done. Sadly I don't do well until under pressure, so I will procrastinate until Sunday night probably. A seriously bad habit. YAY! Now I have sat here long enough to where I am obligated to get up and go somewhere else because I have plans for this evening! Successfully done almost zero homework! (now the guilt starts coming on). Tomorrow is a new day. Another day to get homework done a day early. Maybe I will. Probably I won't.

Ramble on..

There is something to be said about severe disappointment. The kind that happens multiple times for the same reason. The kind that the same person or situation can inflict. The kind you don't even realize till it's too late. This disappointment is real. Fresh. Raw. Open. Reoccurring. For me I know when this will happen. I know there is only one thing that creates this severe disappointment but yet I still, over and over, put myself in its way. Just waiting. It has almost become like an old friend. Good ol' Agony and myself get along quite well (haha). In reality I am just being selfish. I want to put myself in these situations for one purpose only. Even knowing the end result is not what I want, thus creating this epic level of disappointment. Nobody knows though right? You never know when this result might change. Then, if it means enough to you, wouldn't you keep doing it too? Putting yourself in harms way to maybe someday achieve what your really after? I have always told myself that failure is not the end. And whatever I fail in will only assist me in achieving something else... Now after re-reading everything I just wrote I realize I sound frustrated, depressed and narcissistic. I am doing a very bad job of de-selfing and seeing the bigger picture. If what I am after is God's will, I can never truly fail. So obviously this is not of God but of myself. My selfish nature coming out in full force once again. What a truly severe disappointment.

...

Sometimes seeds never sprout.

EL aeropuerto

There is something unique and exciting about traveling alone. It can be lonely but forces you to branch out and meet new people. I truly love airports. So many people traveling from all over the word to all the ends of the world. In this one place people congregate for the same intention. To travel, explore new places, meet new people, or return home to their own people. I love that excited feeling when you first arrive at the airport. You check your bags in and find your gate. As I go through security I always wonder "will I make it though?", which is silly because I have never carried a bomb or knife, or any sort of weapon with me ever, let alone when I am traveling in an airport haha. But there is always that thrill. Once I "surprisingly" make it through security without problem, I love the hunt to find my gate. Up these stairs and down this hall, it is always a mystery, might be a simple mystery but never the less it is always different. Once at the gate and everything is on time I look around at all the over priced souvenir stores with "i heart LA" t-shirts and gummy bears that cost a small fortune. Before getting on the airplane I always eat my snacks that I brought that were supposed to last the whole day of flying, Yeah right haha. Airports are great even when alone, it gives you a chance and reason to brach out and make new connections and have an interesting conversation with someone new, who you will probably never see again.

Traveling home is a different story. Once again being alone is lonely but in a way it is soothing. For me I cherish the time to organize my thoughts and feelings, and meditate on what happened in the last month of living in costa rica. I have time to reminisce and write about all the fun adventures, and about my struggles, feelings and triumphs while in that foreign land which has become more and more like home. Once again being in the airport has more of a bitter sweet feeling than when I first get to LAX and know that there is a month of unknown amazingnes ahead of me. Instead there is a feeling of reality setting in. I have to check the time and know what day it is. I have to think about when I am going to work and when school starts and everything I have to get done in between. I have to realize I am leaving home to go home. Part of me is ready to go back to normal life, see my parents (whom i miss very much) and have a different kind of freedom than here in costa. Still, the airport has lost its magic when you are sad to leave new found friends and family. I have been in this place long enough to feel like it is truly home and now I have to go "home" and redefine my daily life... again. It is easy to feel free and weightless in costa rica. Where life is truly pura vida, and the air is always warm and you can feel your heart sing with the beauty that surrounds you. When going to this other "home" in cali I can feel the weight slowly coming back as I fly closer and closer to my destination. I am going to college. I am moving out. I need to find more work to support myself and have enough gas to get around town now that my parents no longer fund my every whim. This trip is probably the last that will be paid for by my loving gracious parents who want me to travel. Reality sets in. I am no longer living in paradise with all my closest friends and perfect waves and no job or school or drama. Where the only thing I have to worry about is missing the right tide for the surf or forgetting my book at home when we are at the beach. haha it already feel like a joke to have that sort of care free life which I have lived for the last month. Anyway. so sitting in this plane or airport I have come to realize traveling alone might give me too much room to think and evaluate. If I was with Chloe or Soph I am sure I would not be so cynical about going home. I had the best month of my life and I will cherish it rather than think about the negative aspects of leaving my new found home. I will be back soon. I still love the airport even when returning but I soon hope to be going the opposite direction in this plane and to once again have that thrill of seeing paradise.
pura vida

Child dancing in the wind

Costa rica has been a blast. Here are some pictures from our little two day Pavones trip. I love it there, definitely one of my favorite places in Costa Rica. Such a lush and raw life style. It lives and breathes Pura Vida. (Soccer game with the local groms)






DANCE there upon the shore;
What need have you to care
For wind or water’s roar?
And tumble out your hair
That the salt drops have wet;
Being young you have not known
The fool’s triumph, nor yet
Love lost as soon as won,
Nor the best labourer dead
And all the sheaves to bind.
What need have you to dread
The monstrous crying of wind?

A white blank page

Can you lie next to her And give her your heart,
As well as your body
And can you lie next to her
And confess your love, As well as your folly
And can you kneel before the king
And say I’m clean, I’m clean
But tell me now, where was my fault
In loving you with my whole heart

A white blank page
and a swelling rage,
You did not think
when you sent me
to the brink, to the grave
You desired my attention
but denied my affections.

Tell me now where was my fault.

It was a Tuesday

I find this all quite comical. Simon, Dan and Alex watching All Spice deodorant commercials on the laptop over and over again, laughing their heads off. So much so, I, in the other part of the room while almost falling asleep, couldn't help but laugh also at their childlike laughter and true enjoyment of the silly videos. Chloe is reading a book directly in front of me, although I think she has read about one page in the last hour because she is asleep every time I look at her. I myself started again reading my book but instead got an hour nap out of it. The rest of the family are off doing their various activities. Sophie, Little Chlo, and Claire all in the living room. I think I may hear someone playing ping pong as well. I keep hearing funny bits and peaces of conversation. This is truly a diverse and passionate family. All in all this is a typical evening/ afternoon in my Costa Rican home. After a long morning of sun, salt, surf, and play, we all seem to crash and gratefully accept this downtime to unwind and simply enjoy.

Pura Vida