I should be doing homework instead...

As is the case with most things for me I have a seriously hard time working inside when there is beautiful weather and fun waves calling my name. I love to procrastinate, and one of the many avenues of doing so for me is this: my blog; which I am sure nobody actually reads. So this has become more of a place to bounce around my random, excess thoughts and let out the ones I deem reasonable enough for the unsuspecting person to somehow cross by someday. Thus obviously it must be a beautiful day outside and I am forcing myself to sit in this chair and read some nonsense about our government or about the decline of leisure (which ,for the record, is actually pretty interesting), but in actuality I am writing here, pretending to be busy but simply finding ways to sit here and not actually do anything constructive. This is simply my nature. I have all weekend to get this stuff done. Sadly I don't do well until under pressure, so I will procrastinate until Sunday night probably. A seriously bad habit. YAY! Now I have sat here long enough to where I am obligated to get up and go somewhere else because I have plans for this evening! Successfully done almost zero homework! (now the guilt starts coming on). Tomorrow is a new day. Another day to get homework done a day early. Maybe I will. Probably I won't.

Ramble on..

There is something to be said about severe disappointment. The kind that happens multiple times for the same reason. The kind that the same person or situation can inflict. The kind you don't even realize till it's too late. This disappointment is real. Fresh. Raw. Open. Reoccurring. For me I know when this will happen. I know there is only one thing that creates this severe disappointment but yet I still, over and over, put myself in its way. Just waiting. It has almost become like an old friend. Good ol' Agony and myself get along quite well (haha). In reality I am just being selfish. I want to put myself in these situations for one purpose only. Even knowing the end result is not what I want, thus creating this epic level of disappointment. Nobody knows though right? You never know when this result might change. Then, if it means enough to you, wouldn't you keep doing it too? Putting yourself in harms way to maybe someday achieve what your really after? I have always told myself that failure is not the end. And whatever I fail in will only assist me in achieving something else... Now after re-reading everything I just wrote I realize I sound frustrated, depressed and narcissistic. I am doing a very bad job of de-selfing and seeing the bigger picture. If what I am after is God's will, I can never truly fail. So obviously this is not of God but of myself. My selfish nature coming out in full force once again. What a truly severe disappointment.