Katie Dreager : a tribute

This is my lovely birthday present from the one and only, Sophie Murdoch. Love you girl!

Beautiful Madness

The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes "Awww!”
- Jack Kerouac



Sometimes I agree. Usually I am the yawner saying commonplace things, and I like other people who yawn with me. But deep inside me there is the blue centerlight, desiring sometimes to pop and make everybody go 'awww'.
I wait for inspiration. In this ever endless pursuit there is something small yet so valuable that can be lost, forgotten. It is the reason that the pursuit was started int the first place. I desire inspiration to be "mad", to live with with a passion that burns out of control. I wait patiently. The things that used to make me laugh and smile with delight, the things that used to make me weep with true joy, the things that used to move my soul; where are they? Why do these emotions and words bounce off my bones like dull rocks. I desire so badly for them to crack or at least make a dent. The truth that used to shake me with realization, now feels like dirty bath water filling an empty shell.. So I wait. Wait for the inspiration to come. The inspiration to make me want to be mad and shine again like that centerlight. But I cannot forget the reason I want this so badly. I wait but not in vain. I shake this feeling and rinse it off with clean water. Maybe the pursuit of inspiration will turn out to be the inspiration itself.

e minor

Whatever our reasons may be, conscious and subconscious, we create our surroundings.

Inexplicable Nature provokes Humility

The air tastes crisp and salty, the water feels frigid, and the sound of the waves crashing fills your ears. Every sense in your body is being used. You feel amazing, alive, rejuvenated, and full of adrenaline and a healthy dose of fear. You are in the ocean, surfing, playing, and swimming. There are so many sounds, textures and feelings that go along with being surrounded by nature. Having knowledge that the natural elements of this world are infinitely more powerful than yourself is humbling and fascinating. Nothing computerized or plugged into a wall can compare. One day recently my best friend and I were heading home after surfing. We had just spent hours riding waves and in turn, being tossed around by the ocean. Our toes and ears were full of sand; our noses were full of salt water. We also had the biggest smiles on our faces. Something about being surrounded by that body of water, which is so powerful, so peaceful and steady, is amazing. You cannot come back from something like that with a negative thought on your mind. It inadvertently changes your mood, whether you like it or not. It calms you when you are mad, gives joy in hard times, and creates a beautiful, healthy emotional outlet for stress or anger. We were contemplating these things on our drive home and realized that experiences like ours, of being surrounded by nature, are what make us who we are. Almost every positive aspect of our lives we could trace back to some experience we had outdoors. The only reason we aren’t suffering from any self esteem issues, addictions, depression, overwhelming stress, loneliness and any other emotional or mental illness that our colleagues around us are suffering from is because we have a healthy recreational outlet in nature; which forces us to realize there is something bigger than ourselves. It helps anyone see a small glimpse of the bigger picture. Our own lives are not the center of anything and our own problems definitely don’t seem like they are the end of the world when you are outside playing in it.

Me without you

‎Oh, what am I to think
Of what the writing
Of a thousand lifetimes could not explain
If all the forest trees were pens
And all the oceans, ink?
...Oh, great is the love of God.

I should be doing homework instead...

As is the case with most things for me I have a seriously hard time working inside when there is beautiful weather and fun waves calling my name. I love to procrastinate, and one of the many avenues of doing so for me is this: my blog; which I am sure nobody actually reads. So this has become more of a place to bounce around my random, excess thoughts and let out the ones I deem reasonable enough for the unsuspecting person to somehow cross by someday. Thus obviously it must be a beautiful day outside and I am forcing myself to sit in this chair and read some nonsense about our government or about the decline of leisure (which ,for the record, is actually pretty interesting), but in actuality I am writing here, pretending to be busy but simply finding ways to sit here and not actually do anything constructive. This is simply my nature. I have all weekend to get this stuff done. Sadly I don't do well until under pressure, so I will procrastinate until Sunday night probably. A seriously bad habit. YAY! Now I have sat here long enough to where I am obligated to get up and go somewhere else because I have plans for this evening! Successfully done almost zero homework! (now the guilt starts coming on). Tomorrow is a new day. Another day to get homework done a day early. Maybe I will. Probably I won't.

Ramble on..

There is something to be said about severe disappointment. The kind that happens multiple times for the same reason. The kind that the same person or situation can inflict. The kind you don't even realize till it's too late. This disappointment is real. Fresh. Raw. Open. Reoccurring. For me I know when this will happen. I know there is only one thing that creates this severe disappointment but yet I still, over and over, put myself in its way. Just waiting. It has almost become like an old friend. Good ol' Agony and myself get along quite well (haha). In reality I am just being selfish. I want to put myself in these situations for one purpose only. Even knowing the end result is not what I want, thus creating this epic level of disappointment. Nobody knows though right? You never know when this result might change. Then, if it means enough to you, wouldn't you keep doing it too? Putting yourself in harms way to maybe someday achieve what your really after? I have always told myself that failure is not the end. And whatever I fail in will only assist me in achieving something else... Now after re-reading everything I just wrote I realize I sound frustrated, depressed and narcissistic. I am doing a very bad job of de-selfing and seeing the bigger picture. If what I am after is God's will, I can never truly fail. So obviously this is not of God but of myself. My selfish nature coming out in full force once again. What a truly severe disappointment.